OK, guys. So, don’t do this:
1. Go into work every day tired and rushed, having skipped breakfast and with some leftovers in a bag for an unappetizing (but nearly free!) lunch.
2. Make sure you don’t eat much, maybe a pile of crackers or something, until your blood sugar drops below your knees and you can no longer think. It will be about 2 by then.
3. Dawdle around the office unable to leave for lunch or do anything of use anymore.
4. Find something in your drawer or lunch bag that is totally inadequate and eat some of it. Feel sort of pointless and grossed out.
5. Drive home in a near stupor for one hour in your car that leaks gas. Use the last of your energy trying not to hit anyone, since you definitely couldn’t afford it.
6. Turn on the TV since you don’t have any oomph left. At like 11 muster the will to open a can of something and drink some juice.
7. Measure your waistline. Three more inches? Wow, how did that happen?
8. Notice you missed Aikido class, but be resigned since you were too tired anyway. Don’t forget to stay up late!
9. Blame the world!
This post made in celebration of my last day of work yesterday. Hooray! No more crappy diet for me! I’m going to be a student! Hey… wait.
It’s just barely possible that you think that the administration of Bush the Younger got the short stick, that they’re just sticking up for unpopular views. But there has to be a point when you say, “No, they’re actively lying.” If you’re still under the impression that the Bush administration has the interests of the American people at heart, then I’d really like to sit you down and say, “Look, I understand. You want to believe that someone we very nearly elected could be this bad. You want to believe that there are two sides to this issue. You want to give the benefit of the doubt to someone who is in a very difficult position of leadership in a time of anexiety. But he’s a horrible man who’s done worse things to this country than Nixon, who admitted to cheating at democracy. He’s led us to war with a specious argument designed to conflate our fear of an enemy with someone who isn’t a credible threat so that he and a couple dozen friends of his can steal from the American people. He actively hates us. He wants us to fuel his slavering greed and uses the language of God to rally bigots and confuse those who peacefully follow the religion he claims to represent. If we won’t die for him, he wants us to die as an example to others.”
Pretty hyperbolic, right? Well, it turns out, the Bush administration has not only suppressed information that will stop future Katrinas, but also information that will save the lives of all those but the very rich, who have other options. The Bush regime wants us to die in pestilence and filth because it means that they’ll be able to sell us bug spray and toilet paper. I say this because the administration in its corrupt, baby-murdering wisdom has consistently suppressed so much as discussion of embryonic stem cell research while denying the clear facts that abstinence sex education is completely ineffective.
Naturally, the administration’s response to the frustrated rage of the country’s most senior doctor is to accuse him of political ineffectiveness:
White House spokesman Tony Fratto rejected Dr Carmona’s criticism, and said he was given authority to be the leading voice for the health of all Americans. “It’s disappointing to us if he failed to use his position to the fullest extent in advocating for policies he thought were in the best interests of the nation,” Mr Fratto said.
They may be the worst government this country has ever had. They’re feudalist Industrialists whose interests are in short-term profit fueled by the blood of Americans. America is, to them, a resource to be used up while they move on to other countries in their supernational corporate men-of-war. Take back your country. Vote your conscience. Make it so that electoral cheating isn’t enough. Send Cheney and Bush the jail. Let the world see that we can be a good neighbor again. Let’s apologize for voting enough votes that these horrible sociopaths could cheat the rest of the way into office. Let’s regain the strength of alliances other than those coerced. Let’s drop the Imperialist notions that cost us so much and foment hate among those who would be tense partners at worst.
I’m not entirely convinced that this isn’t a Photoshop job, but it’s remarkable either way. This man worked out for 4 years and took a picture of himself once a month throughout the process. It’s interesting how many people in the comments are of the opinion he should have stopped about five or six months in, but clearly, this guy wanted to bulk up.
Good news for 71% of 66% of 51.5% of you: British scientists say they’ve found a technique that grows hair in five out of seven adult males:
With the new technique, a small section of hair and skin is removed during a 30-minute operation carried out under local anesthetic. The hair is taken from the side of the head, where the follicles tend to live longer – and so produce hair later in life – than those on the top of the scalp. The sample is then taken to the lab, where the dermal papilla cells are separated out and coaxed into multiplying in flasks. After two months, the patient returns to the clinic to have the lab-grown cells injected into his bald patch, again under anesthetic. Three months later, new hair should start to poke its way through the previously bald skin.
…good news for balding males, bad news for the spray-on hair industry.
It’s about time modern chemistry contributed something valuable to our lives. Look, I love soda. I’m aware of how plainly awful the content of refined sugar is for us, but as hard as I’ve tried, I could never drink a diet soda. The horrid aftertaste that was symptomatic of any of the artificial sweeteners was just too much to take. Well, a while back I tried a sip of my fiancé’s Coke Zero. There was still that familiar bite, however it was noticeably less severe. Though not overwhelmed by the drink, I was encouraged by the thought that whatever the Coca Cola company was doing was definitely a step in the right direction. Then I noticed there was a Sprite Zero. I tried it and thought that was a little more like it, as the citrus flavor seemed to lend itself to masking most of the rudeness that had been inherent of the artificial sweeteners. Ok, so now there are two zero-calorie drinks that I not only can stomach, but after drinking them for an extended period, I could actually enjoy because of the fading frame of reference that was their non-diet counterparts. Naturally, I wondered what was going on. The primary sweetener in these drinks, as well as the rest of the diet sodas that I wouldn’t drink to stay alive in the desert was still aspartame, so what gives? Well, a quick glance at the ingredients indicated the presence of an extra component that was included in the recipe of only those soft drinks that I found palatable: Acesulfame Potassium. Ovulation Tests. Armed with this new knowledge, I began looking for anything new and improved with this miraculous agent on the supermarket shelves. I am happy to report that I have discovered a number of other once-cherished brand names that currently offer a pleasantly drinkable counterpart inclusive of Acesulfame K. Among those that I’ve tried are Pepsi One, Diet Mountain Dew and Fanta Zero Orange. Next up on the list are Diet Fresca and Vault Zero. The “thanks but no thanks” award in this category goes to Sierra Mist Free, as not even the inclusion of a drop of dewy-sweet sweat shaken from the hips of Shakira herself would encourage me to ever again imbibe this viciously rank brew…. Not to mention my complete spiritual aversion to their cosmically unfunny ad campaign.
Oh, and contrary to some very near-sighted reports of differing “fact”, I’m down three belt buckle holes since May. True story.
I don’t know about the rest of you, but I find it difficult to get five servings of fruit every day. If only somebody could mix them all together, peel them, puree them, pasteurize them and package them in a colorful, Japanese-designed, vacuum-sealed squeezable bag with a little resealable straw-like nozzle at the top.
That would be awesome.
Well, somebody has done all that. I am absolutely in love with e4b’s fruit purees. To the extent that my friends suspect I am working for the company. Which I am not. I just feel passionately about this particular fruit puree product. They’re all natural, no sugar added and completely delicious. They come in 5 different flavors, but the Pear Caramel flavor (made with 1/2 a pear, 1 apple, 1/2 banana) is my favorite.
Mark my words: all food will be eaten this way in the future.
Want to mine your jogging workout for mounds of delicious data, but you’re not the psyched about Nike’s ass ugly iPod sneakers? Marware feels your pain, and has developed the utmost in high-tech “velcro pouch technology” that will allow you to use the Nike + iPod pedometer sensor with your existing shoes. This guy just sewed some velcro onto his existing shoes, so caveat emptor.
Saddle up, kids. Now you can buck common sense, all logic AND your hips at the same time. Don’t forget to “see it in action” – group scenes of the elderly and out of shape rockin’ and tiltin’ their pelvises always promises to be a good time.
You know, I would actually be interested in this if one minor adjustment were made to it. A well-placed saddle horn, if ya get my drift.
And I think you do.
They sound like condoms, don’t they? Or some sort of virility boosters? Right? Right?
Wrong. They’re scooters. Motorized scooters. The kind you sit in. The kind made for the somewhat disabled, but mostly used by the fat and lazy who are just tired of walking. Super sized for the “increase in obesity” even.
“Mr. Robles doesn’t have a problem walking — he says he was simply saving up energy for late-night dancing. ‘I’m pretty healthy,’ says the 37-year-old truck driver from Brooklyn, N.Y. ‘Just lazy, I guess.'”
Late night dancing, indeed. Well, clearly. I mean, look at the picture.
Oh, and let’s not forget the ones who use them to dupe ushers into thinking they’re disabled, so they can buy cheap tickets to shows in casinos, but still get great seats.
I blame the internet:
Cut to Homer entering “The Vast Waistband”, a clothing store.
Homer: I’m looking for something loose and billowy, something comfortable for my first day of work.
Salesman: Work, huh? Let me guess. Computer programmer, computer magazine columnist, something with computers?
Homer: Well, I use a computer.
Salesman: [quietly, to self] Yeah, what’s the connection? Must be the non-stop sitting and snacking.
After the government of Massachusetts took a weak stab at outlawing Marshmallow Fluff in schools, the natural perversity of the free marketplace wins again: Fluff sales are up 800%. Good news for Fluff fans of all ages.
WARNING: when you drink Sambuca, when you’re riding that ‘buca train, please note that when you inevitably inject it directly into your heart, you should always use clean needles. The more you know!
The BPM (beats per minute) field in iTunes has bothered me since it was introduced in version 4.0; there are some ways to get BPM information into iTunes, but no easy ways — and I’m all about the easy ways.
However, a new patent reveals that Apple has patented the idea of running fast to fast music, which is kinda stupid to allow a patent on, but if it brings along with it an automated way to get BPM information out of the tracks and into the tag metadata — and then into a smart playlist — I’m on board.
…with shaving here at ldopa.net — I know I personally have been ever since the Gillette Sensor took it to the m-th-rf-k-n LIMIT with just two blades. Not that we’re super hairy or anything, we just really like razor sharp, ludicrously expensive grooming implements.
So it will come as no great surprise that this flash ad for the Phillips Bodygroom both chills and delights — please post your jokes involving “teabagging” and “milking this cat’s smooth, smooth body” in the comments section below.