Archive for the 'Fine Literature' Category

grizzly man 2

April 6th, 2006

(FADE IN. SCENE: A GRIZZLY BEAR’S STOMACH. INSIDE IS TIMOTHY TREADWELL.)

(wakes up, looks around.)

TT: AHHH! I GOT ATE BY A BEAR!

(stomps around.)

TT: Nobody friggin’ knew that there are times when my life has been on the precipice of death! UNTIL NOW! UNTIL I GOT ATE BY A FRIGGIN’ BEAR!

(looks around again. hands on hips.)

TT: GREAT! This is worse than being gay. WHICH, I AM NOT!

(close up.)

TT: I guess this might be my fault, for being so friggin’ straight up delicious. I NEVER GOT TO GO ON CARSON DALY! This so sucks. And where’s my fox friend?

(close up on stuffed fox.)

TT: Foxy! You got ate too? Excellent! Not excellent that you got ate, but maybe excellent that you have my hat?

(FOXY does, in fact, have the hat.)

TT: Friggin’ excellent. (PUTS ON HAT) This hat makes me look so butch! High and tight! Hey, Foxy, did I ever tell you I was almost on “Cheers”?

(close up on FOXY.)

FOXY: …

TT: I’ve always wished I was gay, it would have been a lot easier. You know, it’s just Bing! Bing! Bing! – gay guys, no problem. They go to restrooms and truck stops and perform sex, it’s like so easy for them and stuff. They just have to go in the shower in down at the Y, or rest stops on the interstate, or behind the dumpster at Applebee’s, or in the changing room at Old Navy, or —

(ANNE arrives from off stage.)

ANNE: Timothy!

TT: Anne! I was just friggin’ thinking of you! Anne, let me tell you: I’m in love with my animal friends. I’m in love with my animal friends! In love with my animal friends. I’m very, very troubled. It’s very emotional. It’s probably not cool even looking like this. I’m so in love with them, and they’re so f-ed over! Isn’t that right Foxy?

(close up on FOXY.)

FOXY: …

ANNE: Jesus, Timothy, we totally got ate by a bear!

TT: I know! That so sucks! I AM DOCTOR KARATE’S KOALA-BOY!

ANNE: Wha?

TT: I don’t know! Freakin’ gay people don’t get eaten by bears, you know why? I’ll tell you. Because gay people are not hanging out in the woods. Gay people are hanging out in a hot and steamy beach bathhouse, or in a conga line in a fancy downtown club, or shopping for affordable duvet covers at Target, or getting sweaty rollerblading on the bike path, or…

ANNE: So, if you need me, I’ll be in the large intestine.

(ANNE leaves.)

TT: Jesus boy! Foxy, no one friggin’ understands me. Except for my animal friends. And bears. Bears understand me. And I friggin’ understand bears. Speaking of bears, do you know that that beardy guy from “Home Improvement” was gay? And Alec Baldwin is a homo, but everybody knows that. And John Goodman always seemed a little fruity. And George Wendt might be kind of a smidge gay if you ask me. And that dude from…

(FADE OUT TO WHITE. ROLL CREDITS.)

~jeff

shirt on fire

April 1st, 2006

smoke_11.gif

Dude, your shirt’s on fire! Seriously!

Seriously, look! It’s on fire! Right behind you! Better put it out! Or it will burn!

You!

Look! Look at it! Oh, boy, it’s really on fire now! You’d better look! It’s gonna burn you really bad!

Look!

Look!!

the three rules of effective writing

March 15th, 2006

SummaryService.jpg

Reduce, reduce.

~jeff

irc transcript of new apple announcement

February 28th, 2006

apple_logo.gif

Luckily, we scored a press pass for the new Apple product announcement today, and we’ll be providing a transcript of the event as it happens:

Steve Jobs is entering the room
“Lots of great products to show you today”
Shows Keynote slide showing iPod success
14 Billion iPods sold Q4 alone
That’s 2.3 iPods for every man, woman and child on Earth
Jobs has “no idea who is buying 1/3rd of an iPod”
Those people are messing up his figures
He wishes they would “cut it out”
Shows slide with iTunes Music Store sales
700 Quazillion songs sold this month
Not certain that Quazillion is a real unit of measurement
Shows graph comparing iTunes Music Store and Napster
Everyone points and laughs
Jobs calls Shawn Fanning at work on his cell phone
“Hi Shawn, it’s Steve”
More laughing
Awkward small talk
“Shawn, I’ll let you go so you can get back to manning the drive-through”
Low blow
Jobs shows slide with .Mac subscription numbers
1,000,000 .Mac users forgot to cancel their subscriptions last year
“A testament to the ongoing lethargy of spoon-fed, indolent America” — kind of harsh
Audience shifts uncomfortably in seats
“Enough of that boring crap”
“Now here’s what you came for”
Something Apple has been working on for over 15 years
“It’s smaller than a breadbox”
Shows slide of breadbox
“Totally revolutionary”
Shows slide of Mao Tse-tung
It’s right backstage
Jobs says he will go get it
Jobs disappears backstage.
Sound of footsteps, door slamming, car revving, tires screeching
Long silence
Audience shifts uncomfortably in seats
People shift their gaze from side to side nervously
Drumming fingers
Audience is staring at slide of Mao Tse-tung
Finally Senior Vice President Phil Schiller comes out
Schiller is visibly drunk
“Someday your hero Steve F’n Jobs won’t be around”, Schiller says
Schiller swigs deep off a Diet Tequiza
“Then what are you gonna do?”
“hic.”
Actual bubbles around Schiller’s head
Long silence
“Huh?”
Long silence
“I can announce products too, you know.”
Fumbles with blue presentation remote
“I’m smart! I can run things.”
Shows slide of Fredo from Godfather II
Long silence
Schiller tips forward, falls off stage
Thud
Loud snoring sound
Anti-climactic.
Nervously whistling members of press take all the Sweet & Low from the complementary coffee table and slip out

a zen story, modified

February 24th, 2006

from 101zenstories.com:

A Cup of Tea

Nan-in, a Japanese master during the Meiji era (1868-1912), received a university professor who came to inquire about Zen.

Nan-in served tea. He poured his visitor’s cup full, and then kept on pouring.

The professor watched the overflow until he no longer could restrain himself. “It is overfull. No more will go in!”

“Like this cup,” Nan-in said, “you are full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup?”

“What a sanctimonious prick,” the Professor thought, “just like all Buddists.”

actual, real chat transcript in its entirety

February 23rd, 2006

chiaroscurostockhausen.jpg

Ben: So, doctor Oktobr, we meet again, but this time the advantage is mine.

Me: It is?
Me: I think you’ll find…
Me: that the advantage…
Me: (don’t move until I finish my speech)
Me: is…
Me: MINE!
Me: (SUDDENLY I DO SOMETHING!)

Ben: Foul treachery
Ben: You’ll not get away with this, Oktobr. CAPTAIN JANARY will save us!

Me: I’m afraid Captain January is a little… tied up at the moment!
Me: IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!

Ben: Hah! That’s not captain January at all! That’s simply my sidekick, Lucky, wearing my old costume. I’m Captain January!
Ben: DRAMATIC REVEAL!
Ben: PUNCH!

Me: No!
Me: I’ll not be defeated so easily!
Me: You’ve punched me, but I’ll live to fight another day!
Me: GETS IN THE ESCAPE POD WHILE YOU WATCH AND ESCAPES!
Me: WHILE YOU WATCH!
Me: ESCAPE POD LANDS AND WINDOW ROLLS DOWN!

Ben: Well, Lucky, once again we’ve made the Universe safe for Freedom!

Me: Also, I think you’re relationship with Lucky is a little suspicious!
Me: ESCAPE POD TAKES OFF AGAIN!

Ben: “You bet, Captain January! Now can you please untie me?”
Ben: I don’t know about that Lucky…
Ben: *FADE OUT*

Me: DUN DUN DUUUUUUN!

frequently asked questions about dial tone checking

February 21st, 2006

…copied from the F.A.Q. at http://jeffs-dial-tone-checking-emporium.com/:

Q: I think I might have a dial tone. Do I?

A: That can only be determined by a qualified dial tone professional.

Q: When I plug a phone into the wall, I hear a tone. Is that a dial tone?

A: Hard to say. It’s best to let a seasoned dial tone technician make the call.

Q: Let’s say I have a phone at my home or place of business and it’s been working for years. Should I get it checked for a dial tone?

A: Yes, and right away.

Q: I’ve been picking up objects from around my desk (coffee mug, clipboard, desk calendar) and checking them for dial tones — so far no luck. What am I doing wrong?

A: That is a common mistake novice dial tone checkers make. Our dial tone checkers are state-certified to be up-to-date on all the most recent dial tone checking technologies.

Q: I’m using a phone right now to call “Jeff’s Dial Tone Checking Emporium Dot Com”. By the simple and inherent nature of this telephone call, I must have a dial tone, right?

A: Maybe so, maybe not. The only way to be certain is to get your dial tone checked by one of our qualified dial tone checkologists. Otherwise, there could be a fire.

Q: Your service certainly is way fucking expensive. But travel expenses must be included in the cost, right?

A: Not even close. The extensive equipment needed for dial tone checking requires that we all drive around in a crazy cool old antique ambulance with a sun roof like they used in “Ghostbusters”, and those things guzzle gas like you would not believe. Blame Bush!

Q: Are you available to check my dial tone today?

A: Oooh, today, yeah — not so good for us. Maybe later in the week, around 3-ish? We’ll have to get back to you.

~jeff

bee beard study update

February 8th, 2006

Thanks to a generous DARPA pre-study mini grant, I have been provided with 24 monkeys and 250 typewriters to further the scientistic world’s understanding of pre bee beard thought processes in males age 62-89. After 1,000 years of carefully randomized testing, we are now able to update the list provided in our proposal with the addition of the following potential thought statement:

  • ¬†Woah– GLTerminal? Cool!
  • As per usual, that was 1.3 million exceptionally well spent. Follow up studies may include whether I am at risk for suffering through a bee beard, since the above statement ran through my mind too.

    you know what’s a funny word?

    February 7th, 2006

    Reassess.

    why bee beards are tops

    February 3rd, 2006

    bee beard

    As a vital public service, I have generated and provided below a selection of things people may possibly be telling themselves to convince themselves to wear a bee beard.

    • People will think I am very manly and awesome.
    • Bees probably taste like honey if they accidentally end up in my mouth. Except for the stingy part.
    • How can I show my undying loyalty to the Revolution?
    • Swarming insects? On my face? That sting? What could be better!
    • This is the only way I can quickly gain those long silky facelocks I desire.
    • I want to be famous, but I’m not a good public speaker.
    • I want prove my purity and devotion to G-d but snakes give me the heebie jeebies.
    • I need to gain more useful skills.
    • If I do this I can justify using the Quattro.
    • Here are some bees. Here is my face. Wait … I have an idea.

    Clearly further study is needed.

    DARPA, I’m looking in your direction? Hmmmmm?

    happy birthday jon

    January 23rd, 2006


    (ACT ONE: It’s dark, very early in the morning. JEFF kicks open door and bursts into JON’s room wearing a party hat and holding a CAKE.)

    JEFF: HAPPY!

    JEFF: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

    JEFF: HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY — BIRTHDAY!!!

    JON: (waking up) Wha?

    JEFF: YOU’RE THE BIG…

    JON: Good lord!

    JEFF: BIRTHDAY BOY!

    JON: Please don’t, you really don’t have to —

    JEFF: (soft-shoe dancing, making JAZZ HAND with free hand) AND IT’S YOUR BIG DAY TODAY!

    JON: How did you even get in here?

    JEFF: ANYTHING YOU WANT IS OH SO POSSIBLE!

    JON’S WIFE IRENA: (rubbing eyes) Baby, who is here?

    JEFF: ANYTHING YOU DREAM IS EVEN PROBABLE!

    JON: Oh my.

    JEFF: (jumping up and down, arms pinwheeling) YOU’RE! THE!

    JON: …

    JEFF: BIG! STAR!

    JON: Well, thank

    JEFF: TOOOOOOOOOOODAY!

    (JEFF ends with a frozen flourish on bended knee, smiling broadly, holding CAKE with one hand and waving JAZZ HAND with the other. There is silence. The CAKE slowly slides off the pan and onto the floor.)

    JON: (climbing out of bed, clapping sarcastically) Bravo, Jeff, Bravo. (picks up towel draped over chair)

    (JEFF continues smiling in same pose, nervously shifting eyes from side to side as JON leaves the room)

    (ACT TWO: CUT to JON in the shower, eyes closed, hands cupped in front of face. JON rubs hands over face and through hair. The shower curtain is jerked violently to the side).

    JEFF: BIRTHDAAYYYYY!!!!!!! BIRTHDAAYYYYY!!!!!!!

    (JON jumps and screams girlishly)

    — CUT to a visibly shaken JON in his parked car. He’s holding a travel mug in one hand. He takes a sip, closes his eyes and breathes heavily. He opens his eyes, somewhat relaxed and starts the car.

    VOICE FROM RADIO: From NPR news in Washington, I’m JEFF HOBBS, WISHING JON KLEIN A HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! HAAAAAAPPPPPPPPYYY BBBBBIIIIIRRR—

    (JON reacts in panic and mashes the tuner buttons on the radio.)

    [sound of radio tuning through static]

    VOICE FROM RADIO: (echoing) W-A-Q-Z!! (Morning shock jock DJ voice) And now, back to Boston’s #1 morning radio crew (echoing) HOBBSIE AND THE PIRANA!

    HOBBSIE and THE PIRANA (in unison): HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JON KLEIN OF 147 BOYLSTON STREET IN SOMERVILLE!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! HAAAAAAPPPPPPPPYYY—

    (JON mashes radio buttons again. Visibly shaken, JON clutches wheel tightly with both hands and pulls out of parking space. JON approaches a 4-way intersection. A look of confusion forms on his face as he notices that the STOP sign has been replaced by a sign that says “HAPPY BIRTHDAY JON!!!!!1!!”. A panicked look comes across JON’s face as he rolls slowly into intersection. He looks up to see that the other stop signs at the 4-way intersection have similarly been replaced)

    (Horn, screech of tires, crash)

    — FADE TO BLACK

    (Slowly, the faint beep of a heart rate monitor fades in. Slow fade in to the perspective of a patient on the operating table, surrounded by a team of doctors surgical masks, caps and gowns.)

    JON: (wincing in pain) Whe—where am I?

    (The surgical team yanks off face masks to reveal JEFF, IRINA, JENNIFER, JOSHUA, CARRIE, TUCKER, TUCKER’S MENNONITE BEARD, TUCKER’S WIFE, JON LAND, JILL, ADAM, STEVE, EVAN, KELSEY, JAIME, THE GUY FROM FOURTET, WILL OLDHAM, LEE SPECTOR and HOLIDAY MOLLY HARDISON)

    SURGICAL TEAM: SURPRISE!!!

    (commotion, miscellaneous shouts of “Happy Birthday”, “Hooray!”, etc. commotion continues for a few seconds and drops off to silence, except for the faint beeping of the heart rate monitor).

    JEFF: (somber) You’ve lost an awful lot of blood.

    — FADE TO BLACK

    END

    first act written by JEFF, second act written by JON

    so you want to perform a dojo audit

    January 13th, 2006

    (copied from the front page of http://dojoaudit.com/)

    So! You want to perform a “dojo audit”! That’s very good; often first-time students run into easily avoidable trouble because of a hasty dojo choice. By taking the time to fully research your dojo, you’ll have a much better chance of a happy and successful dojo experience. Here’s a handy checklist to use during your due dojo diligence:

    • Make sure your dojo has easily accessible fire exits and adequate ventilation. Many first-time dojo-goers pass out their first dojo-time due to a common condition known as “dojo-stank”.
    • Take the time to make sure your dojo’s sensei is an authentic dojo sensei. Examples of authentic sensei names are “Tashi” or “Kai”. Examples of inauthentic sensei names are “Steve” or “Ted”. “Ted the Sensei” is probably not someone you want you want to have in your life.
    • “Nunchucks” are really spelled “nunchakus”. This is probably the most common mistake most “dojo-newbies” make.
    • Do not wear orange-colored clothing without checking with your sensei first, as the color orange sometimes represents “I have deep disrespect for the ghosts of your ancestors, and let’s fight” in dojo-culture.
    • Use common sense when choosing a local dojo. Use the internet to research your potential dojo, and of course, don’t be afraid to ask your friends and family what dojo they belong to. Try not to be sucked in by a bargain-basement dojo; and while you can’t judge a dojo simply by its name, chances are “Bed, Bath and Dojo”, “Dojos Dojos Dojos” and “I Can’t Believe It’s a Dojo!” are totally crappy, fly-by-night dojos.

    ~jeff

    the field notes of laika the dog

    December 16th, 2005


    warm, safe
    friend
    run run run
    run to friend
    friend sleep smell good
    smell friend

    strangers
    smell smoke
    smell danger
    cars, loud, cage
    afraid
    alone, dark
    smell metal smell oil
    more strangers
    afraid alone
    loud! loud! afraid
    no smell
    hot, dark, miss friend
    miss friend

    ~jeff

    a method of rapid technological advancement, using only a time machine

    December 16th, 2005

    1. Get a time machine. (This step seems difficult, but it gets easier later on in the process).
    2. Wait to use the time machine until late in your life, then travel back in time.
    3. Meet up with your younger self.
    4. Give them the time machine (see?), and teach them of all the major and minor technological advancements during your lifetime — your older self will have experienced much more than your younger self, so there will be much to tell. Your older self will then be able to live out your twilight years in the period of your youth, which is a pretty good deal.
    5. Because your younger self now has all the knowledge of your older self, your younger self will be able to make even more technological progress during their lifetime than you did previously the “first” time through.
    6. Loop and repeat the process when your younger self is old again. After enough iterations, you will be able to have given 1,000 generations worth of technological advancement to the world in the span of one lifetime. You’ll also probably be worshipped by all the people of the Earth as a living God, which is quite a nice side benefit.

    EXTRA CREDIT: At the end of your 1,000-year iteration, go back in time, kill the original time-traveller (you), then go forward in time 1,000 years. How does your 1,000 year ‘loop’ of technological progress match up with the ‘actual’ 1,000 years of technological progress? Explain. (WARNING: this creates paradoxes.)

    ~jeff

    in the distance, an igloo burns.

    December 12th, 2005

    SCENE: An Eskimo stands on a dogsled at rest. In the distance is an igloo. The Eskimo looks passively forward, perhaps squinting into the bright sun glinting off the snow and the distant, sharp horizon.

    Rather than sled dogs, his sled is lashed to a herd of cats. The cats stand still, and passively look into the distance, perhaps jostling a bit, ready to go.

    The Eskimo raises his whip and cracks it in the air. The cats panic and leap in every direction, but the net result is that they pull the sled exactly nowhere. The Eskimo continues to squint at the distant horizon.

    There are now some cats fighting with each other while other cats flail about at the end of their leashes, mrowling angrily.
    The Eskimo continues to look intensely at the horizon while the cats squeal.

    After several minutes of this, the sled falls over on its side while the Eskimo, still in place but now lying on his side, continues to look intensely at the horizon.

    The sled catches fire.

    FIN.