(FADE IN. SCENE: A GRIZZLY BEAR’S STOMACH. INSIDE IS TIMOTHY TREADWELL.)
(wakes up, looks around.)
TT: AHHH! I GOT ATE BY A BEAR!
TT: Nobody friggin’ knew that there are times when my life has been on the precipice of death! UNTIL NOW! UNTIL I GOT ATE BY A FRIGGIN’ BEAR!
(looks around again. hands on hips.)
TT: GREAT! This is worse than being gay. WHICH, I AM NOT!
TT: I guess this might be my fault, for being so friggin’ straight up delicious. I NEVER GOT TO GO ON CARSON DALY! This so sucks. And where’s my fox friend?
(close up on stuffed fox.)
TT: Foxy! You got ate too? Excellent! Not excellent that you got ate, but maybe excellent that you have my hat?
(FOXY does, in fact, have the hat.)
TT: Friggin’ excellent. (PUTS ON HAT) This hat makes me look so butch! High and tight! Hey, Foxy, did I ever tell you I was almost on “Cheers”?
(close up on FOXY.)
TT: I’ve always wished I was gay, it would have been a lot easier. You know, it’s just Bing! Bing! Bing! – gay guys, no problem. They go to restrooms and truck stops and perform sex, it’s like so easy for them and stuff. They just have to go in the shower in down at the Y, or rest stops on the interstate, or behind the dumpster at Applebee’s, or in the changing room at Old Navy, or —
(ANNE arrives from off stage.)
TT: Anne! I was just friggin’ thinking of you! Anne, let me tell you: I’m in love with my animal friends. I’m in love with my animal friends! In love with my animal friends. I’m very, very troubled. It’s very emotional. It’s probably not cool even looking like this. I’m so in love with them, and they’re so f-ed over! Isn’t that right Foxy?
(close up on FOXY.)
ANNE: Jesus, Timothy, we totally got ate by a bear!
TT: I know! That so sucks! I AM DOCTOR KARATE’S KOALA-BOY!
TT: I don’t know! Freakin’ gay people don’t get eaten by bears, you know why? I’ll tell you. Because gay people are not hanging out in the woods. Gay people are hanging out in a hot and steamy beach bathhouse, or in a conga line in a fancy downtown club, or shopping for affordable duvet covers at Target, or getting sweaty rollerblading on the bike path, or…
ANNE: So, if you need me, I’ll be in the large intestine.
TT: Jesus boy! Foxy, no one friggin’ understands me. Except for my animal friends. And bears. Bears understand me. And I friggin’ understand bears. Speaking of bears, do you know that that beardy guy from “Home Improvement” was gay? And Alec Baldwin is a homo, but everybody knows that. And John Goodman always seemed a little fruity. And George Wendt might be kind of a smidge gay if you ask me. And that dude from…
(FADE OUT TO WHITE. ROLL CREDITS.)