Author Archive

worst. rerun. ever.

September 7th, 2006

I just saw an ad saying that on September 11th the Today Show will be re-broadcasting their show from September 11, 2001.

I didn’t want to see it the first time, even though I couldn’t take my eyes off the TV. Being a native New Yorker with family still there, and living in between Dulles Airport and the Pentagon at the time, I was mostly concerned about what the hell was going on in both both places. If I thought I needed to see the frequently faulty coverage (on the DC stations at least) of 9/11 again, I would have TiVo’d it and run off some DVDs for some card-carrying masochists.

What NBC is doing feels no different than ESPN Classic replaying past World Series games. I just don’t understand why anyone who was either in the thick of the attacks, who couldn’t have cared less, or who was somewhere in the motional middle would want to see this.

So if you happen to be watching NBC Monday morning and see planes hitting the Twin Towers, it is not, I repeat, not a Civil War re-enactment type of deal, but I’m sure we can look forward to that next year.

piggyback mountin’

June 5th, 2006

Behold: The non-awaited return of my crittercam. Witness the wacky antics of my two guinea pigs, Shaun and Danny (the boys), or my two rabbits, Sparks and Nutley (the girls). When in a cage together, Shaun and Danny will run around in circles and try to hump each other. I plan to videotape this and set it to the Benny Hill theme. For now you can see them pine for each other behind their respective bars, hoping to join each other for homoerotic pig love.

The Crittercam

P.S. My iSight has a lot of red/green fuzzies in dim light… is that normal or is this thing messed up?

こんにちは, bitches

April 25th, 2006

Here goes the oddest and most futile bit of self-promotion I will ever do: Behold my book, The Spam Letters, in Japanese!

Tell all your friends who can and want to read broken English translated into Japanese!

my sensitive side

April 24th, 2006

Dear l-dopa,

To the best of my knowledge, I’m not gay but I just loooove making origami quilts. People keep telling me I should frame and sell these, but I’m not sure what the best approach for that is. Any suggestions? Also, what would you* pay for something like this?


*Well, not YOU, because you’re cheap, but someone who would buy an origami quilt.

my tribute to the harmony 880

April 7th, 2006

After months of using the Logitech Harmony 880 remote control, I have to say it’s the best thing ever. If you own more than three objects with remotes, you need this.

I don’t know how else to explain my love of this remote in words so I’ve decided to do it in music. Here’s a track from my forthcoming album “Music For Logitech Harmony 880 Remote Controls”.

another reason to love the sopranos

March 13th, 2006

I can’t really think of any other major television show which would use William Burroughs’ / Material’s “Seven Souls” for a montage like The Sopranos did last night. Kudos to the writers.

the lady don’t mind (speaking in tongues version)

March 2nd, 2006


If anyone here is a fan of Talking Heads, the Holy Grail of obscure Talking Heads songs has now seen the light of day on iTunes. My beaten-up, poor-sounding, cut-off version of the Speaking in Tongues version of The Lady Don’t Mind can now rest in peace.


face transplant

February 7th, 2006

… I KNEW this woman looked familiar!

special offer: customized mom jokes

February 3rd, 2006

Hello new members of and visitors to

If you act in the next few days, internationally acclaimed author, Jonathan Land will create customized mom jokes for you… ABSOLUTELY FREE.

All I need is a brief description of your enemy’s mother, and I’m good to go.

This is a limited time offer! Whenever I decide to end it, the pricing structure is as follows:

Bad jokes utilizing puns and/or borrowing themes from other Public Domain mom jokes – $1

Moderately funny jokes which some will find brilliant and others stupid – $2

Hysterical jokes with devastating, laser-like accuracy which are based on some sort of truth and are possibly hurtful – $3

Any level joke about Joshua Newman’s mom – Free!

So welcome one and all, and make sure you take care of this limited time exclusive offer!