Author Archive

bring more tuna

February 20th, 2008

Carmina Burana

I always suspected Carl Orff had hid some meaningful English false cognates in that Latin; and now, proof. Make sure you crank up your speakers, especially if you are at work.

Side note: it’s been a while since two ldopans posted in one day. Hooray!

you have cr4xk3d my 455

September 30th, 2006

OhPleaseNo. The last thing I need right now is another web comic to fall in love with. Especially a geeky one.

But I really. Can’t*. Stop. Reading these

*And by can’t I mean, Carrie, I just found this one, extraspecially for you.

let them eat pho

March 24th, 2006

Well, call me a silly falang, because this clueless gweilo can’t understand his own smelling-like-a-wet-dog-white-sister’s complaint:

Nail Salon

I find it very rude when I go into a nail salon and all the Chinese workers start speaking to each other in Chinese. If you come to our country, shouldn’t you be learning our language?

—Rhea, 22, white, Albany, NY

Funny thing is, when posed honestly (and not for rhetorical effect), Rhea’s question — and others like it — are really important to ask. And answer. Laurels to The National Forum On People’s Differences for creating a rather flame-free venue for cross-cultural exchange.

Well, Rhea, after realizing the woman massaging your foot is Vietnamese and not Chinese, maybe you could meditate on the apparent lack of an official pejorative for outsiders in Vietnamese. And then consider that, as has been said, Koľko rečí vieš, toľkokrát si človekom*. Sure, you can get by just fine with your monolingualism, but why settle for that? There is such a large menu of new languages for you to choose from… And the extra great thing about learning new languages? They almost all come with a tasty side of new cuisine! So go get you some pho, and chew this lesson over.
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*For our non-Slovak speaking friends: “The number of languages you know is the number of times you are human.”

end-of-time products will be developed…

February 14th, 2006


Ahhhh, daybreak. Oh — wait,
no… that would be the first big,
fiery explosion of the apocolypse.

12/21/2012: Never before in history has one date, one moment in time, been so significant to so many cultures, so many religions, so many scientists, so many governments and to so many people all around the world.

Huh. Glad I finally heard about this.

There are entire websites dedicated to this moment in time. There are blogs, discussion boards, chat rooms and scientific studies. In the not so distant future and as the date gets closer, there will be books written on the subject, feature films will be produced, “end time” religions will be formed and end of time products will be developed.

Ohhhhhh. I get it now. This guy was daydreaming in front of his computer, having big destruction fantasies in his head, and didn’t realize that he was accidentally making an entire web site dedicated to this moment in time.

Firstly, when did scientific studies start slummin’ it down on the chat room end of the relevancy spectrum? Secondly, won’t THE END OF ALL TIME sort of make products unnecessary? Ahem, aftershave? Thirdly, why didn’t I come up with the idea of cashing in on The End of Times first? I mean, this is what the Internets was created for.

Death by Caffeine

February 11th, 2006

This is your construction technique.
This is your construction technique caffeinated.

Caffeine has a significant effect on spiders, which is reflected in their web construction.

I thought this was a pretty complete database until I needed to find out if Squirt was caffeinated or decaf. According to the information posted on free public message boards — which are always dependable and accurate — the Ruby Red variety is charged-up, but the reg’lar kind is not.

I would have just checked the information on the side of the can, but it was in a recycling bin somewhere downtown.

And this just in: “In Canada, carbonated beverages other than cola are not caffeinated…. 7-up, Root Beer, Mountain Dew, etc. are caffeine-free.”

Finally, Carrie, please do not go and drink 68 shots of Sky Rocket Caffeinated Syrup.

parental advisory

February 7th, 2006

What did I do before internet resources? Well, certainly not have a conversation with my wife over dinner like this:

ME: “[…small talk about the various parents-of-small-kids connections we’re making in Portland, our soon to be home city…]”

SHE: “Oh! Have you seen Urban Mamas? It’s for parents in Portland, and it’s great. You have to check it out.”

ME: “Really? Okay. Well, can it compare to Berkeley Parents Network?”

SHE: “Maybe better. It’s more focused, the topics cover the spectrum of our needs. And it’s actually not-ugly.”

ME: “Ha! Say goodbye to that Craigs List, listserve-style interface, huh?”

SHE: “Right. It’s more like Dooce, but not that pretty. And with more contributors.”

I’m pretty sure we refrained from implying hypertextual markup in the rest of our meal talk.

As I later found out, Urban Mamas does make me tingle in that special way that means “I have found a resource that I will one day soon wonder how I led a complete life without.” Which set me to thinking, does every city have such a “guidebook” for young parents who are trying to forge that network so critical to emotional survival? Or, to put it another way — both more generally and specifically — the things that matter to you* in your city: is there an online resource that you can tap?
___

*…And I’m implying “things that make sense to publicly share.” MyBestFishingSpot.com, for instance, would be a sucky idea.