Another Letter from Apple Regarding iPhone 4

Dear iPhone 4 Users,

In the coming days or weeks, your friends, or neighbors, and/or loved ones may send you links and articles from Engadget.com, Wired.com, or even from noted child-pornography trading hub Gizmodo.com, articles that suggest that there is some sort of reception problem with the iPhone 4. Not that we would ever suggest that our loyal customers side with Apple over their own (often unreliable) family members, but we would like to take a moment to correct many of these ignorant, misinformed and outright evil statements repeated in the media and by your family members.

To start with: Apple products are not meant to be physically held. Simply by picking up an Apple product and leaving a single human finger print, you have voided your warranty in several of the continental United States — sorry, Tennessee. Customers that would like to do so may purchase AppleCare™ and a brand new, magical and amazing HoldingGlove® designed to enhance the natural shine and luster of our products when utilized outside the geographic confines of an Apple Store (not recommended).

Still, we have received reports that rogue customers who decide to use the iPhone outside of a Apple Store AirPort Extreme WiFi hot spot experience a dramatic drop in reception when they void their warranty, put the safety of their (often unreliable) family members in danger, and hold the iPhone 4 without the magical and amazing HoldingGlove®.

We have discovered the cause of this dramatic drop in bars, and it is both simple and surprising. Both!

Upon investigation, we were stunned to find that the graphics representing the bars we used were too short, giving users the impression that reception was somehow lessened at “1 bar” or “2 bars”. An upcoming, free software update will make all the bars the same length, essentially fixing the problem that was not basically even a problem in the first place, because come on!

However, because Apple strives to not only match customer expectations, but instead, to exceed them: an upcoming free software update after the other upcoming free software upgrade will actually reshape and reinvent the very way bars are displayed on the iPhone 4. We asked our team of designers and hipster futurists to think “outside the quadraphonic egg chair” and radically change the fundamental way that bars are displayed on cell phones, for now and forever. Our engineers immediately realized that to strip away everything that has held cellular telephones back, all that was really necessary was one, single, elegant, really long bar.

Thus we present: The iBar™.

The radically new iBar™ will eliminate the confusion and clutter that is created by having too many bars to keep track of. The one, single, elegant, really long bar does not change shape. The iBar™ simply appears and disappears when the iPhone 4 is turned on and turned off. Turn on your iPhone 4 — there’s the iBar™. Turn it off, and it’s gone. It’s longer than any other cell phone reception bar indicator ever, and with one single glance, you’ll know if you can see if it’s a bar or not. Which it is.

To conclude, we have gone back and double-checked our sales figures, and the results are the same — we have sold a shitload of these things. So: awesome.

Anyhow, thank you for your patience and support and buckets upon buckets of money.

Apple

(Also: Gruber).

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