more highest

August 2nd, 2006

NORTHAMPTON, MA — The Research and Development Department of local research group is pleased to announce that experimental researchers with the group have recently discovered a heretofore unknown higher email priority setting than the previously known “Highest” setting. Technicians from the group have already termed this setting “More Highest”, and are actively petitioning to get the newly discovered setting added to future revisions of popular operating systems and email clients.

“Sometimes, ‘Highest Priority’ just isn’t enough to connote the unimaginable importance and sheer, gut-twisting panic you feel an emailed message should convey,” Jeff Hobbs, lead scientician of the research group. “That’s when we knew — there had to be a higher priority.”

If the “More Highest” setting gains popularity, it will need to await approval by companies such as Microsoft, Novell, Lotus, Apple, and AOL. “More Highest” could face competition from Microsoft’s recently announced “Doubleplus Mostest Wicked Important” and AOL’s “three shiny, glowing smiley faces with their toungues sticking out” settings, competing implementations which attempt to give similar functionality to what the “More Highest” setting may provide.

Undaunted by competition, the researchers remain confident in their new discovery. “Often times, without a little red exclamation mark, I’d just chuck unread email from my co-workers right in the fuckin’ trash without even opening it,” Hobbs confides. “Now with the proposed two red and blinking exclamation marks of ‘More Highest’, I’ll know for sure that certain messages from corporate douchebags should undoubtedly command my near-undivided attention.”


(p.s. 1,000th post, bitches)

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