the internet, circa 1996: not as different as you’d hope

July 24th, 2006

I have never even thought to try to take a Dalmatian to McDonalds — not even so he could try the new McSnausage Wraps — but for some reason in 1996 McDonalds was purporting to be your “Dalmatian location”. Still, it’s not nearly as bad as “Pepsi World” was:

We believe in keeping things new, fresh, so that we can claim to move you in unexpected directions which hopefully, rev up the nerve center of your imagination to a degree never before experienced.

The holiday spirit has smacked us on the face with the strength of a snow-charged blow of frigid Nordic air. It’s Pepsi Holiday 96! Peruse our new wonderland and discover a bountiful chest of surprises. Get nifty e-cards, icy-cool screensavers, Microsoft stuff you’ve been wishing for and more prizes than stars up in the cloudless moonlit yonder.

…Pepsi’s 1996 over-cooked promitional copy possibly written by the same ad wizards who came up with “The Hub“, Walmart’s weak stab at a non-union, Mexican MySpace equivalent. Seriously, point at it and laugh, it’s rilly awful.


6 Responses to “the internet, circa 1996: not as different as you’d hope”

  1. Greg says:

    If that douchebag on the skateboard told my grandma he was going to give her chicken noodle soup and a foot rub, I’d knock him down, take his skateboard, and then spend 78% of my life ollie-ing on his face. Not that I’m not going to anyway.

  2. Christopher says:

    If only there was a Hall of old Websites… We could call it

    Check out ZeFrank’s take on Walmart’s The Hub

  3. Jeff says:

    Watching ZeFrank makes me hyperventilate — I’ve tried, it always *seems* like a good idea, but 30 seconds in I feel flush and sweaty from panic.

    Also, the “white guy talking black” isn’t cool when Robin Williams does it (endlessly), so I’m not sure why Frank thinks it might work for him…

  4. Nick says:

    I’m not absolutely certain why Pepsi thinks I would want a “snow-charged blow.” But they’re Pepsi; surely they know what’s best for me.

  5. Nick says:

    (Note to self: Do not offer to give Greg’s grandma chicken noodle soup and a foot rub. Bad things might happen.)

    (Addendum to note to self: To be on the safe side, do not offer Greg’s grandma a “snow-charged blow,” a “bountiful chest of surprises” or a “McSnausage Wrap.”)

  6. Meredith says:

    The “Dalmatian location” bit is because the movie “101 Dalmatians” (starring Glenn Close as Cruella) was released in 1996. It was a marketing tie-in.