l-dopa

OK, get this; years ago, there used to be these things called “Bulletin Board Systems” that people ran and connected to via “modems” and these “BBS’s” used to contain all these things called “text files” and all these bulletin board users young and old* used to write “how-tos” on every topic under the sun**. There’s an awesome site dedicated to preserving these precious words of wisdom — check it out, you’ll be building a bong out of discarded pool toys in no time.

~jeff

*but mostly 12-year-old boys.

**but mostly topics that appealed to 12-year-old boys, like CREATING TOTAL ANARCHY IN YOUR HOMETOWN! and HOW TO BUY FIREWORKS FROM ADULTS! and, of course, LAUNCHING OVER THINGS!

I can’t wait for Windows Vista!

~jeff

A bingo card generator for the scourge of our time, mindless corporate-speak. Seriously, if you ever find yourself talking like this, take your expensive leather belt and hang yourself in a bathroom stall; I’m so thankful not to work any longer at any such awful place that would inspire such bingo cards.

~jeff

The Porn Myth is a fascinating article from New York magazine about the effects of pornography on the current generation of young men. It has become pervasive, but the result wasn’t what people expected.

But the effect is not making men into raving beasts. On the contrary: The onslaught of porn is responsible for deadening male libido in relation to real women, and leading men to see fewer and fewer women as “porn-worthy.” Far from having to fend off porn-crazed young men, young women are worrying that as mere flesh and blood, they can scarcely get, let alone hold, their attention.

As we get closer to the long-awaited Spring season, runners, hikers, and fans of the great outdoors need to be aware of the increased activity and threat as bears awaken from their long winter hibernation. Here are some helpful tips you can follow to keep dangerous exposure to our forest friends to a “bare” minimum:

• Hang food from a high branch that will not support a bear’s weight, or will at least make the bear feel self-conscious about their weight.
• Wrap trash and odoriferous foods well in sealed plastic bags. Use “Ziploc Bear Repellent” brand if available.
• Remove the clothes you’ve worn while cooking, slowly. Slower. Yes.
• Never store food in your tent, especially if camping with the notoriously untrustworthy Kirstie Alley.
• You may have a false sense of security resultant from literature which suggests bears are mainly attracted to floppy blue donkeys, small piglets, and large bouncy tigers. This data cannot be confirmed and may no longer be accurate.
• Keep a clean cooking area and fire pit; bears are shallow and will often judge you on appearances.

~jeff

If you’ve got a moment you’d like to spend marveling at corporate lies and doublespeak, I’d like to direct your attention to this page over at Real.com which purports to allow iPod users to transfer their RealAudio files to their iPod. Notice I said “transfer”, not “play” — “play” is what you would want to do with your music files; “transfer” is what happens instead. “Transfer” as in “you can transfer your files onto this thing and lug them around but you cannot open or listen to them whatsoever”.

Yeah, Real, that’s what music fans want to do. They want to haul their music files around and not listen to them; it’s like, zen or something. What is the sound of one music file not playing? In any case, this poor guy fell for Real.com’s total and blatant lies on that aforementioned page and spent a day fruitlessly trying to get it to work. Maybe he should’ve just given it up and became a John Cage fan.

As a corollary: why is Real.com still around? Didn’t the widespread adoption of the mp3 format make them completely unnecessary overnight? I remember when we were all kickin’ it Netscape 4.7.1 style and it was pretty amazing to hear hissy ultra-compressed audio unexpectedly pop out of your Mac LC II. And after about 30 seconds of trying to find the stop button, Real’s browser plug-in would buffer overflow and crash your machine, because that’s life in the Real world. But these days, we have better audio codecs, better video codecs, better free media server software, better free media client software — these days, Real offers exactly zero products that aren’t available elsewhere, better, and for free.

~jeff

How damn awesome is the Audi A3? Apparently, “32 MB awesome”, so Audi will send you a free 32 MB USB drive just for filling out a form. Sadly, it looks like 32 MB is too small to make into a linux boot drive, but you could run Portable Firefox off of it.

~jeff

Harry Taylor: maybe not the greatest American hero, but definitely my hero — especially on tax time weekend. Did you know that we pay these jerks?

Video (QuickTime).

~jeff

After months of using the Logitech Harmony 880 remote control, I have to say it’s the best thing ever. If you own more than three objects with remotes, you need this.

I don’t know how else to explain my love of this remote in words so I’ve decided to do it in music. Here’s

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

from my forthcoming album “Music For Logitech Harmony 880 Remote Controls”.

I’ve fallen off watching Adult Swim in the past year or so — still lamenting the cancellation of Home Movies and waiting for new episodes of Venture Bros. — but it’s good to see they’re still turning out new shows (clips are in H.264 Quicktime 7/VLC format, thanks Demon!):

• Assy McGee
• Death Clock Metalocalypse
• Frisky Dingo
• Korgoth of Barbaria
• Saul of the Mole People
• That Crook’d Sip

…if I were a betting man, I’d bet here on “Korgoth”, “Death Clock”, and “Frisky Dingo” for the win.

~jeff

(FADE IN. SCENE: A GRIZZLY BEAR’S STOMACH. INSIDE IS TIMOTHY TREADWELL.)

(wakes up, looks around.)

TT: AHHH! I GOT ATE BY A BEAR!

(stomps around.)

TT: Nobody friggin’ knew that there are times when my life has been on the precipice of death! UNTIL NOW! UNTIL I GOT ATE BY A FRIGGIN’ BEAR!

(looks around again. hands on hips.)

TT: GREAT! This is worse than being gay. WHICH, I AM NOT!

(close up.)

TT: I guess this might be my fault, for being so friggin’ straight up delicious. I NEVER GOT TO GO ON CARSON DALY! This so sucks. And where’s my fox friend?

(close up on stuffed fox.)

TT: Foxy! You got ate too? Excellent! Not excellent that you got ate, but maybe excellent that you have my hat?

(FOXY does, in fact, have the hat.)

TT: Friggin’ excellent. (PUTS ON HAT) This hat makes me look so butch! High and tight! Hey, Foxy, did I ever tell you I was almost on “Cheers”?

(close up on FOXY.)

FOXY: …

TT: I’ve always wished I was gay, it would have been a lot easier. You know, it’s just Bing! Bing! Bing! - gay guys, no problem. They go to restrooms and truck stops and perform sex, it’s like so easy for them and stuff. They just have to go in the shower in down at the Y, or rest stops on the interstate, or behind the dumpster at Applebee’s, or in the changing room at Old Navy, or –

(ANNE arrives from off stage.)

ANNE: Timothy!

TT: Anne! I was just friggin’ thinking of you! Anne, let me tell you: I’m in love with my animal friends. I’m in love with my animal friends! In love with my animal friends. I’m very, very troubled. It’s very emotional. It’s probably not cool even looking like this. I’m so in love with them, and they’re so f-ed over! Isn’t that right Foxy?

(close up on FOXY.)

FOXY: …

ANNE: Jesus, Timothy, we totally got ate by a bear!

TT: I know! That so sucks! I AM DOCTOR KARATE’S KOALA-BOY!

ANNE: Wha?

TT: I don’t know! Freakin’ gay people don’t get eaten by bears, you know why? I’ll tell you. Because gay people are not hanging out in the woods. Gay people are hanging out in a hot and steamy beach bathhouse, or in a conga line in a fancy downtown club, or shopping for affordable duvet covers at Target, or getting sweaty rollerblading on the bike path, or…

ANNE: So, if you need me, I’ll be in the large intestine.

(ANNE leaves.)

TT: Jesus boy! Foxy, no one friggin’ understands me. Except for my animal friends. And bears. Bears understand me. And I friggin’ understand bears. Speaking of bears, do you know that that beardy guy from “Home Improvement” was gay? And Alec Baldwin is a homo, but everybody knows that. And John Goodman always seemed a little fruity. And George Wendt might be kind of a smidge gay if you ask me. And that dude from…

(FADE OUT TO WHITE. ROLL CREDITS.)

~jeff

…except this one makes more sense (PDF). I feel like chicken tonight, chicken tonight!

~jeff

I’m a .Mac user. I admit that. I throw down the $99/year for three very specific reasons. IMAP, webmail, and I don’t want to change my email address again. gMail is free, and hey that’s nice, but I like having a local copy of my mail*. Call me crazy, but webmail interfaces have never been quite as good as a nice mail app. Every once in a while, I’m not online, and I don’t want to have to re-download that attachment every damn time.

So I use .Mac. But the webmail interface sucks. Let’s be honest, it was never mind blowing, and it hasn’t kept up. No html composing**, and I can’t even effectively reply to an html message because I can’t see it. It comes up as an attachment to my new message.

It doesn’t handle email replies well either. The recipient’s name often comes in without quotes around it***, making me edit it so the message can be sent. It should know what to do with that string! It put it there!

The organization is clunky, and it still sports the pinstripes Apple abandoned over a year ago. Even the .Mac homepage is well appointed by comparison.

*POP doesn’t count, pal.

**I know, plaintext is the One True Way.

***I am so sick of The address provided in the To field is not valid

How cool:

Critters uses a synthesis of traditional, and experimental music theory along with some of grain-brains’ own musical strategies. Critters also utilizes genetic algorithms, chaos theory, fractals, and noise generators (white, pink and brown) to generate its compositions.

…down at ldopa labs*, we’re all a fan of staring dumbly at Jon Klein’s excellent Breve Creatures screensaver — which as it runs evolves Karl Sims/Katamari Damacy style A.I. block creatures — so I would suggest you run both Critters and Creatures together and see what happens.

~jeff

*Josh’s house.

Sweet*…

UPDATE: …unless you want to type a Euro symbol.

~jeff

* Not that it’s an incredible revelation that an Intel Mac containing an Intel chip would probably be leveraged to boot Intel operating systems, but I’d like to nerdishly point out that I was fairly accurate in predicting how it was going to occur.