bear avoidance tips

April 11th, 2006

As we get closer to the long-awaited Spring season, runners, hikers, and fans of the great outdoors need to be aware of the increased activity and threat as bears awaken from their long winter hibernation. Here are some helpful tips you can follow to keep dangerous exposure to our forest friends to a “bare” minimum:

  • Hang food from a high branch that will not support a bear’s weight, or will at least make the bear feel self-conscious about their weight.
  • Wrap trash and odoriferous foods well in sealed plastic bags. Use “Ziploc Bear Repellent” brand if available.
  • Remove the clothes you’ve worn while cooking, slowly. Slower. Yes.
  • Never store food in your tent, especially if camping with the notoriously untrustworthy Kirstie Alley.
  • You may have a false sense of security resultant from literature which suggests bears are mainly attracted to floppy blue donkeys, small piglets, and large bouncy tigers. This data cannot be confirmed and may no longer be accurate.
  • Keep a clean cooking area and fire pit; bears are shallow and will often judge you on appearances.


7 Responses to “bear avoidance tips”

  1. Jon says:

    A “bare” minimum? I don’t get it. Can somebody explain this to me? Please?

  2. cauley says:

    I think it has something to do with the “dangerous exposure” line preceding it. Bare buttocks or something? I don’t know…

  3. Jesse says:

    Was this a…. Threatdown?!

  4. Jeff says:

    Bears see things pretty much the way they are.


  5. Carrie says:

    here’s another tip: stop smoothing that trout all over your body.

  6. chris says:

    Steven Colbert would approve heartily approve since bears are his public enemy number 1.

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