irc transcript of new apple announcement

February 28th, 2006

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Luckily, we scored a press pass for the new Apple product announcement today, and we’ll be providing a transcript of the event as it happens:

Steve Jobs is entering the room
“Lots of great products to show you today”
Shows Keynote slide showing iPod success
14 Billion iPods sold Q4 alone
That’s 2.3 iPods for every man, woman and child on Earth
Jobs has “no idea who is buying 1/3rd of an iPod”
Those people are messing up his figures
He wishes they would “cut it out”
Shows slide with iTunes Music Store sales
700 Quazillion songs sold this month
Not certain that Quazillion is a real unit of measurement
Shows graph comparing iTunes Music Store and Napster
Everyone points and laughs
Jobs calls Shawn Fanning at work on his cell phone
“Hi Shawn, it’s Steve”
More laughing
Awkward small talk
“Shawn, I’ll let you go so you can get back to manning the drive-through”
Low blow
Jobs shows slide with .Mac subscription numbers
1,000,000 .Mac users forgot to cancel their subscriptions last year
“A testament to the ongoing lethargy of spoon-fed, indolent America” — kind of harsh
Audience shifts uncomfortably in seats
“Enough of that boring crap”
“Now here’s what you came for”
Something Apple has been working on for over 15 years
“It’s smaller than a breadbox”
Shows slide of breadbox
“Totally revolutionary”
Shows slide of Mao Tse-tung
It’s right backstage
Jobs says he will go get it
Jobs disappears backstage.
Sound of footsteps, door slamming, car revving, tires screeching
Long silence
Audience shifts uncomfortably in seats
People shift their gaze from side to side nervously
Drumming fingers
Audience is staring at slide of Mao Tse-tung
Finally Senior Vice President Phil Schiller comes out
Schiller is visibly drunk
“Someday your hero Steve F’n Jobs won’t be around”, Schiller says
Schiller swigs deep off a Diet Tequiza
“Then what are you gonna do?”
“hic.”
Actual bubbles around Schiller’s head
Long silence
“Huh?”
Long silence
“I can announce products too, you know.”
Fumbles with blue presentation remote
“I’m smart! I can run things.”
Shows slide of Fredo from Godfather II
Long silence
Schiller tips forward, falls off stage
Thud
Loud snoring sound
Anti-climactic.
Nervously whistling members of press take all the Sweet & Low from the complementary coffee table and slip out

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