how i learned to stop worrying and love the fusion

February 19th, 2006

First, an apology to Jeff. 

Jeff – I’m sorry.  The Gillette Fusion is your baby, and I’d about to swing by in a windowless van and snatch this little baby out of your arms.  So I whole-heartedly apologize.  That said, here is the grand review of the Gillette Fusion, carefully formulated to provide a large amount of information with little or no actual useful content.  Impressive.  I know.

I want to be upfront about something else.  I don’t want to like the Gillette Fusion. In fact, I very much want to dislike it.  Every time Gillette comes out with a new product, the price goes up, and I want feel like the razor mafia is coming by to collect insurance. I’m poor.  I can’t afford this sort of extortion.  ….but I can’t afford to not have the best shave money can buy, can I?

I have a special need for this 5-headed hydra beast.  As you can see here, I’m beginning to show early signs of baldness.  (Thanks Mom and Dad. That’s right Mom AND Dad)

As a result, I eat Mach3 blades for breakfast.  With a little milk and brown sugar, they are delicious. I shave my head about once a week or so, and it is guaranteed eat a blade.  After a solid head shaving, I’m left with a dull stump of a blade, the “moisturizing strip” is paper white, and all dried up.

So how does this 5 headed affront to the lord hold up?  Take a peek.

So the end verdict – the Fusion does in fact achieve the all important “creepy baby skin soft” that will cause strangers and coworkers alike to grope my head in inappropriate ways.  My head is remarkably blood free in the aftermath, and there was enough of an edge left to shave my face.

It looks the like Gillette Mafia will be getting another four bucks a blade after all.

3 Responses to “how i learned to stop worrying and love the fusion”

  1. Jeff says:

    What really kills me about Gillette’s increasingly and painfully thin rationale for “me buying a new razor” is: it’s all about the connector from the blade to the handle and their control of the patent. Every model changes — not improves, but changes — this connector ever so slightly, and while I’m too lazy to look, I have to believe that somewhere in the U.S. Patent Office is a shiny new “Patent #238,451: CONNECTING AN ORANGE BLADE TO AN ORANGE HANDLE” nestled next to “Patent #238,450: CONNECTING AN GREEN BLADE TO A GREEN HANDLE” and the upcoming 2008 Gillette Septo’s “Patent #238,452: CONNECTING AN YELLOW BLADE TO AN YELLOW HANDLE”. I suspect that’s why at the grocery store, there are third-party compatible blades for the 1998-era “Gillette RustCarver” but none for Gillette’s recent offerings.

    Bastards. Their oh-so-tricky economic model (“Razors and Razor Blades”) would be much less hard to take if it wasn’t, y’know, taught in Economics 101.

  2. Nick says:

    Fuck Everything, We’re Doing Five Blades

    “Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That’s three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I’m telling you what happened—the bastards went to four blades. Now we’re standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we’re the chumps. Well, fuck it. We’re going to five blades.”