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It’s all I can do not to do an abrupt little ninja roll and smash headfirst through the window of my second-floor apartment — I don’t have time to open any doors! — and hit the ground running in the direction of the grocery store in order to pick up one of the eagerly anticipated (well, by me, anyway) new “Gillette Fusion” razors. Now in thoroughly market-tested orange color! Until we can all do what Superman does — which, of course, is to simply break off a chunk of the spaceship that brought us to Earth then fashion it into a concave mirror with which we can use our heat-vision to burn our stubble off with — this is surely the Best Razor Ever. Of course I haven’t tried it yet.

But, I mean, five blades! That makes the Schick Quattro look like a pile of puke. My prediction*? The cold-war-style oneupsmanship of the Blade Wars™ has to come to an end soon, and here’s how it’ll happen: one company will come out with some sort of “new technology” and marketing campaign that will posit the very rational idea that a single blade might well be sufficient to shave your face with. It will be colored silver and priced just over the $20 mark. You just watch.

UPDATE: I got one, so, please, stop calling me at home. The review will be forthcoming, but I have to work up some stubble, which on my face sometimes takes about three to four weeks.

~jeff

* While I’m prognosticating about crappy future bathroom products, why not a toothbrush that (via subsonic vibration) plays a 2-minute adverpodcast inside your mouth while you’re brushing? Those two to four minutes of daily toothbrushing are sorely under-advertised moments, to be certain. It’s an advertunity!