five blades, bitches, revisited

January 29th, 2006

five-blades.jpg

It’s all I can do not to do an abrupt little ninja roll and smash headfirst through the window of my second-floor apartment — I don’t have time to open any doors! — and hit the ground running in the direction of the grocery store in order to pick up one of the eagerly anticipated (well, by me, anyway) new “Gillette Fusion” razors. Now in thoroughly market-tested orange color! Until we can all do what Superman does — which, of course, is to simply break off a chunk of the spaceship that brought us to Earth then fashion it into a concave mirror with which we can use our heat-vision to burn our stubble off with — this is surely the Best Razor Ever. Of course I haven’t tried it yet.

But, I mean, five blades! That makes the Schick Quattro look like a pile of puke. My prediction*? The cold-war-style oneupsmanship of the Blade Wars&#153 has to come to an end soon, and here’s how it’ll happen: one company will come out with some sort of “new technology” and marketing campaign that will posit the very rational idea that a single blade might well be sufficient to shave your face with. It will be colored silver and priced just over the $20 mark. You just watch.

UPDATE: I got one, so, please, stop calling me at home. The review will be forthcoming, but I have to work up some stubble, which on my face sometimes takes about three to four weeks.

~jeff

* While I’m prognosticating about crappy future bathroom products, why not a toothbrush that (via subsonic vibration) plays a 2-minute adverpodcast inside your mouth while you’re brushing? Those two to four minutes of daily toothbrushing are sorely under-advertised moments, to be certain. It’s an advertunity!

10 Responses to “five blades, bitches, revisited”

  1. Satori says:

    lost art of… ummm… not cutting yourself when using a straight razor. ;-) There’s an article called “The Best a Man Can Get” which serves as a good introduction. And here are some other entertaining shaving entries found with a quick net perusal:Five blades, bitches, revisited and A Moore’s Law for Razor Blades. May you soon free yourself from Razor Wars. I have yet to try, but if I do I will soon report back from the frontlines!

  2. Joshua says:

    You know how, when you take a triangle and you add a side, it becomes a square? … and a square becomes a pentagon… and eventually it becomes a circle, with infinite sides? I thin that’s what will happen to razors.

    There will be infinite blades… which is the same as no blades at all!

  3. Evan says:

    I will try the power version of this as soon as I see it on the shelves here. The Mach3 power is the best razor I’ve used so far. The Schick Quattro sucks ass though. I don’t know what it is about the blades, but can only get through 1/2 of my face before one of those blades goes deadly dull and scrapes the shit out of my face. The guides on the blades are useless too. While they maybe useful for sensitive parts like armpits and legs, they only manage to keep a fine sharp stubble on my face which keeps the lady friend away for fear of being gored. I have seen the wave of the future and it is 5 blades powered. Didn’t Krull have 5 blades?

  4. Jeff says:

    Excellent point; I will call this razor “The Glave” and when thrown, I expect it will return to me…

    ….Nope.

    Crap.

  5. Tom says:

    Shaving Technology is a favourite topic of mine. I’ve been touting the superiority of the Mach 3 for a while now. No other razor shaves my whole face in like 2 swipes, without tearing it asunder. The Quattro is crap, I’ll agree to that.

    I think that we will get to 7 or 8 blades before we get back to 1. The next one to hit the market: “The Simon Seis.”

  6. Jeff says:

    BAH — the Mach3 is like, 2 worse, than the Gillette Fusion (try to ignore the fact that it looks like someone ripped the arm off a GoBot).

  7. Joy Miller says:

    Great posts everyone.

    I love observing how the marketing companies are selling us on more blades as better. It seems like every year they add a new blade. It’s be 20 blades by the year 2015!!!

    Yes I have heard good things from the The Mach3 but it can get expensive buying and buying new blades all the time.

    I prefer dry shaving for my leg hair removal needs because of the minimal expense and convenience myself.

    Shaving should not have to be so darn expensive!

  8. […] I was also disappointed by the lack of integration between the Hoover Fusion and my beloved Gilette Fusion razor. I bought into both in hopes of creating a “Fusion of Fusions” — a quad-fusion if you will* — but my early efforts to integrate the razor onto the handle of the vacuum was met with skepticism and derision. Worse, early prototypes cut my face deeply and profoundly — sure, combining a razor and a vacuum is attractive from an efficiency standpoint, but I’m not sure that this is “the way”: […]

  9. […] ldopa.net " archive " five blades, bitches, revisited ldopa.net: technology, art, and snack foods … blades before we get back to 1. The next one to hit the market: "The Simon Seis. … […]