happy birthday jon

January 23rd, 2006


(ACT ONE: It’s dark, very early in the morning. JEFF kicks open door and bursts into JON’s room wearing a party hat and holding a CAKE.)

JEFF: HAPPY!

JEFF: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

JEFF: HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY — BIRTHDAY!!!

JON: (waking up) Wha?

JEFF: YOU’RE THE BIG…

JON: Good lord!

JEFF: BIRTHDAY BOY!

JON: Please don’t, you really don’t have to —

JEFF: (soft-shoe dancing, making JAZZ HAND with free hand) AND IT’S YOUR BIG DAY TODAY!

JON: How did you even get in here?

JEFF: ANYTHING YOU WANT IS OH SO POSSIBLE!

JON’S WIFE IRENA: (rubbing eyes) Baby, who is here?

JEFF: ANYTHING YOU DREAM IS EVEN PROBABLE!

JON: Oh my.

JEFF: (jumping up and down, arms pinwheeling) YOU’RE! THE!

JON: …

JEFF: BIG! STAR!

JON: Well, thank

JEFF: TOOOOOOOOOOODAY!

(JEFF ends with a frozen flourish on bended knee, smiling broadly, holding CAKE with one hand and waving JAZZ HAND with the other. There is silence. The CAKE slowly slides off the pan and onto the floor.)

JON: (climbing out of bed, clapping sarcastically) Bravo, Jeff, Bravo. (picks up towel draped over chair)

(JEFF continues smiling in same pose, nervously shifting eyes from side to side as JON leaves the room)

(ACT TWO: CUT to JON in the shower, eyes closed, hands cupped in front of face. JON rubs hands over face and through hair. The shower curtain is jerked violently to the side).

JEFF: BIRTHDAAYYYYY!!!!!!! BIRTHDAAYYYYY!!!!!!!

(JON jumps and screams girlishly)

— CUT to a visibly shaken JON in his parked car. He’s holding a travel mug in one hand. He takes a sip, closes his eyes and breathes heavily. He opens his eyes, somewhat relaxed and starts the car.

VOICE FROM RADIO: From NPR news in Washington, I’m JEFF HOBBS, WISHING JON KLEIN A HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! HAAAAAAPPPPPPPPYYY BBBBBIIIIIRRR—

(JON reacts in panic and mashes the tuner buttons on the radio.)

[sound of radio tuning through static]

VOICE FROM RADIO: (echoing) W-A-Q-Z!! (Morning shock jock DJ voice) And now, back to Boston’s #1 morning radio crew (echoing) HOBBSIE AND THE PIRANA!

HOBBSIE and THE PIRANA (in unison): HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JON KLEIN OF 147 BOYLSTON STREET IN SOMERVILLE!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! HAAAAAAPPPPPPPPYYY—

(JON mashes radio buttons again. Visibly shaken, JON clutches wheel tightly with both hands and pulls out of parking space. JON approaches a 4-way intersection. A look of confusion forms on his face as he notices that the STOP sign has been replaced by a sign that says “HAPPY BIRTHDAY JON!!!!!1!!”. A panicked look comes across JON’s face as he rolls slowly into intersection. He looks up to see that the other stop signs at the 4-way intersection have similarly been replaced)

(Horn, screech of tires, crash)

— FADE TO BLACK

(Slowly, the faint beep of a heart rate monitor fades in. Slow fade in to the perspective of a patient on the operating table, surrounded by a team of doctors surgical masks, caps and gowns.)

JON: (wincing in pain) Whe—where am I?

(The surgical team yanks off face masks to reveal JEFF, IRINA, JENNIFER, JOSHUA, CARRIE, TUCKER, TUCKER’S MENNONITE BEARD, TUCKER’S WIFE, JON LAND, JILL, ADAM, STEVE, EVAN, KELSEY, JAIME, THE GUY FROM FOURTET, WILL OLDHAM, LEE SPECTOR and HOLIDAY MOLLY HARDISON)

SURGICAL TEAM: SURPRISE!!!

(commotion, miscellaneous shouts of “Happy Birthday”, “Hooray!”, etc. commotion continues for a few seconds and drops off to silence, except for the faint beeping of the heart rate monitor).

JEFF: (somber) You’ve lost an awful lot of blood.

— FADE TO BLACK

END

first act written by JEFF, second act written by JON

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