l-dopa

During a long car ride yesterday, I attempted to listen to all 50 of Pitchforkmedia.com’s 50 Best Singles of 2005, with disastrous results. I think I must simply hate music:

• “My Doorbell” by The White Stripes: This song is fine. It’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s just fine.
• ” Take Ecstasy With Me”, by !!!: The appeal of this band escapes me, as does the appeal of this song. What I do know is that their band name pops up on top of every other band in iTunes, which annoys the living sh*t out of me.
• “I Turn My Camera On” by Spoon: That falsetto is great, and thanks to it, I can recognize this Spoon song, which is more than I can say for any other Spoon song I might have ever heard.
• “Inside and Out” by Feist: Kind of reminds me of acid-jazz or trip-hop (remember them?), which in turn reminds me of Sade, which in turn reminds me to get my hair cut because they play Sade in the place I get my hair cut. But I completely lose interest and fast-forward after like ten seconds. And my hair remains delightfully shaggy.
• “I Look Into Mid Air” by Rex The Dog:Cool cut-up vocal effect, but there’s not much else there to like.
• “Ageless Beauty” by Stars: Hey, this is a good song! It’s about getting old and pining for youth, which given the rest of this list, I can totally relate to.
• “Off the Record” by My Morning Jacket: This song has a reggae beat. Supposedly. Sort of. Not really. It’s not that great.
• “The Difference It Makes (Superpitcher Remix)” by The MFA: I enjoy that Pitchfork is so up-their-own-asses that they specify not only incredibly-little-known songs but then go on to specify little-known-remixes of those songs. Well played.
• “Felt Tip” by Love Is All: I have absolutely no recollection of this song, but I bet it was kind of 80’s sounding. They all are these days.
• “It’s Nothing”, by Cam’ron feat. Juelz Santana: I think this rap song is about preparing cocaine.
• “Love is a Number” by White Rose Movement: Again, synths, 80’s, something something, dumb song. While I’m on the subject, when was the last time you heard a guitar solo? Seriously, none of these songs have guitar solos. I’m not complaining. When I was in high school, all the other kids played guitar and I played piano. They could all solo and go wheedley-deedly-doo on their whammy bars. I felt like a nerd about it (I still do!) but: who’s laughing now. Who’s… laughing… now.
• “What Else is There (Trentemoller Remix)” by Royksopp: I think I bought a Royksopp at Ikea last week.
• “Daft Punk Is Playing at My House” by LCD Soundsystem: Whenever I think of Daft Punk and Pitchfork, I think of this review, which is the greatest record review ever written. Also when I think of Daft Punk I think about when Josh, Carrie and I almost died of smoke inhalation in this weird house in CT from drunkenly building a fire without opening the flue, but that is a story for another time.
• “Oh”, by Ciara: Pitchfork really likes girl singers; I think that is mainly because for many record reviewers, interviewing a girl is as close as they ever get to touching them.
• “Gnarls Barkley”, Gnarls Barkley: Terrible name — good song. I had trouble getting over the aforementioned terrible name.
• “Hollaback Girl”, Gwen Stefani: This song is playing on an endless loop in hell. Awful. Just awful.
• “Schrapnell” by Isolée: Hey, Remember the 80’s?
• “Do You Want To” by Franz Ferdinand: The lead singer of this band looks uncomfortably like Dave Foley from Kids in the Hall, and I just can’t entirely get over that.
• “Grass”, Animal Collective: This song is the pits. This band is the pits. I don’t understand why everyone falls over themselves praising this band. That goes double for Devendra Barnhart.
• “Just A Touch (Remix) f/ Paul Wall” by 50 Cent: I believe this rap song is also about preparing cocaine.
• “Destroy Everything You Touch”, by Ladytron: Suckstron
• “Sex In The Kitchen”, by R .Kelly: Please
• “Hung Up”, by Madonna: No one listens to Madonna for the actual music anymore; at this point, people just listen for the high-tech production. It’s like how people really only buy Doom or Quake to test their graphic cards.
• “Gold Digger”, Kanye West ft Jamie Foxx: Yeah, I guess? I’m getting tired of writing this, and I’m crabby; maybe it’s time for a nap.
• “Rebellion (Lies)”, The Arcade Fire: I love the key change in the middle. The rest of it is only OK.
• “Lose Control”, by Missy Elliott: Kind of flat. You can do better for Missy Elliot songs. I once dated a girl named Missy Elliot, and she also had a giant green inflatable suit. But the similarities ended there.
• “Be Mine”, by Robyn: This song could contain secret directions to pirate gold during the chorus, and I would have no idea because I fast-forwarded no more than ten seconds in.
• “Apply Some Pressure” by Maximo Park: HEY! This song is great! It’s the only one I’ve liked. See for yourself. It’s wonderfully written, wonderfully recorded, fun to listen to. Well done!
• “Mic Check 1, 2″, by Juelz Santana: This rap song is about preparing cocaine.
• “Mr. Brightside”, The Killers: We’ve been dancing, with Mr. Brightside, he won’t leave us alone! Decent song.
• “Tribulations” by LCD Soundsystem: Seriously, f*ck this band.
• “Eghck”, by Clipse: It’s good to name your songs while you’re having a stroke. Terrible song.
• “Good Weekend”, by Art Brut: Yeah, so?
• “Emily Kane”, by Art Brut: Seriously, so what. You’ve got a British accent. Big deal.
• “Don’t Save Us From The Flames (Superpitcher Remix)”, by M83: I miss Pink Floyd. They used to be good. This isn’t.
• “Go Crazy (Remix)”, by Young Jeezy ft Jay-Z & Fat Joe: Preparing…
• “I Gotta Stay Fly” by Three 6 Mafia: …cocaine.
• “Heard ‘Em Say”, by Kanye West: Just the fact that Kanye West can make me enjoy listening to a song featuring the dude from Maroon 5 singing like Stevie Wonder, well, that’s some impressive stuff. I don’t hate this song; it’s got fantastic production by Jon Brion.
• “Trapped In The Closet (Chapter 1)”, by R. Kelly: Please. Please. When my friends told me about this song earlier this year, I thought they were kidding.
• “Random” by Lady Sovereign: Every year some rapping British chick shows up for like a month, people fall all over her, and they she goes away. But this song isn’t bad, and the “ding-dong… hello?” part gets me every time.
• “Welcome to Jamrock”, by Damien Marley: Highly competent dub, but I bet this song made the list solely to show that Pitchfork’s writers occasionally listen to reggae.
• “Hate It Or Love It ft. 50 Cent”, by The Game: Did somebody say preparing cocaine?
• “Hounds Of Love”, by The Futureheads: A Kate Bush cover, I think. I could Google it but I don’t care enough to.
• “Since U Been Gone” by Kelly Clarkson: I admit to really liking this song — right up to the chorus, and then I hate it with the passion of ten-thousand burning suns. That took a lot for me to admit.

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  is better, and he ditches the chorus entirely.

• “Zen”, by Clipse Feat. Ab-Liva & Sandman: something something cocaine
• “One Thing” by Amerie: Cool beat, but it gets old fast.
• “Hope There’s Someone”, by Antony And The Johnsons: This guy’s hair makes me want to shoot myself in the face. I know that’s shallow, but so is this song, and I despised it.

So there we have it; proof positive that I hate everything.

~jeff