frost heave

October 26th, 2005

teh frost heave!!!1

Dear Ldopa,

I have a large “frost heave” lump in my driveway that scrapes the bottom of my car every time I leave my house (pictured above). My landlord doesn’t seem to want to fix it; her car has slightly greater ground clearance, so she doesn’t actually experience the problem. However, it’s causing real, actual damage to the bottom of my car and the bottom of my girlfriend’s car; how can I best get her to take this problem seriously? Or how can I fix the problem myself on the cheap?



15 Responses to “frost heave”

  1. Jon says:

    When I lived there, I just swerved to the right when going over the bump. That way, the wheel hits the lump, and you just hop up on the landlord’s front lawn a bit.

  2. Jeff says:

    Yeah, I’ve been doing that, but I think the tire-worn trench to each side of the middle lump (again, consult the near-photorealistic illustration above) has somehow gotten deeper, making it harder to swerve to the right.

  3. Jon says:

    You can stand outside of your landlord’s window with a boombox a la “Say Anything”, except the boombox should be tuned into Car Talk.

  4. sonia says:

    Clearly, your landlord is anti-American and supports the terrorists.

    Excellent illustration, Jeff. I wonder if taking some of the 2x4s she keeps leaving all over the place and laying them down in the wheel ruts might help give some extra clearance? Or maybe some kind of ramp that might let you fly over the frost heave?

    Or how about giving the neighbor kid a sledgehammer and putting him on the case? He seems to really like wailing on things. That is, when he’s not setting FIRES. (We saw him and his little buddy playing with matches the other day and dropping them onto leaves or something. Time to get fire insurance…)


  5. jimmy says:

    nail a gutted chicken to her door frame every morning. chicken isn’t very expensive,.. and nails are pretty cheap. wouldn’t take that many chickens before she got the idea… or moved. you could forego the cost of hardware all together and just heave the bird through a different window every day.
    although if you prefer the aesthetic of a strung up chicken, i recommend that you don’t skimp on the nails. the last thing you want is for all of your work going for naught as your would-be statement is carried away in the jaws of a neighborhood animal.
    Feel free to email me for more detail on this, as well as many other simple, problem-solving, under $10 suggestions to get your driveway fixed.
    I’m not above smothering a bitch….

  6. kamm says:

    buy a hummer h3. it is your right/duty as an american.

  7. Evan says:

    Get a female friend to post her name, phone number, and address to the wall of every lesbian bar in Noho.

  8. Joshua says:

    Have you considered the option — and I recommend this strongly — of launching over it?

  9. Ben says:

    I’m thinking the 2×4 idea, but instead using a couple bags of gravel from a building / gardening supply store to fill in the ditches. Pretty low effort, although not as satisfying as nailing chicken corpses.

  10. Joshua says:

    You know, we might be able to bust up that frost heave with a crowbar.

  11. Ben says:

    Does anyone else find it strange that this is bar none the most active post ever?

  12. sonia says:

    People like to post to sexy threads. Here you’ve got heaving, lesbian graffiti, smothering, hummers and mutilated chickens. The sexiness is almost palpable.

    The gravel idea is good, but with winter coming up, not sure it would last many plowings. But maybe if the gravel bags could somehow be strapped under her car, it would help her imagine how other people might be scraping on the heave.

    I also have some left-over DAS modelling clay — maybe we could sculpt you a driveway.

  13. Jeff says:

    I’m surprised no one pointed out the most obvious answer: never leave the house again.

  14. Joshua says:

    I find the popularity of this thread interesting, too.

    I suggest:

    1: The cartoon is really charming.
    2: It’s a practical problem that everyone can come up with a solution too, even if it’s a chicken-sacrificing solution.
    3: There’s all this hot, hott, hottt sex going on in the discussion thread. It doesn’t even take much reading between the lines.

  15. Molly says:

    Done and done. I say we leave a hose on and let it shower your driveway in water (all night long….mmmmm) (sex reference for sonia) and then if things go according to my plan- Ice, Ice Baby. You are going to have to stay inside that day (do your best) and make Jennifer stay in too. A little pre-planning and we could all come over- I haven’t seen Kamm and Jon in ages. Food+alcohol+window watching. Anyway the idea is that she (BJ) will for the first time have to negotiate the driveway. Then, when she salts and sands it, BLAMMO! I come over AGAIN, and hose that mother down. Seriously. If not, I say roll with the choke a bitch idea.